What is one of the important lessons that I've learned?
No one is perfect and you can't wait for perfection to start living. When I was a young adult I felt that if I made a certain amount of money and had a special job that all of a sudden I'd be the happiest person in the world. I learned that finding happiness is a journey not a destination. I was always very insecure as child and young adult and often have those moments now. This was really apparent at my High School Reunion. Even though I know that everyone else will be older and maybe gained weight, I was really nervous about going. I didn't think I'd go after my 20th because I didn't have that great of a time. I recently reconnected with a few of my friends through Facebook. One of them was my friend, James. The week before I went to his birthday. He had a few friends in their 30's that would make comments about me. I don't even know how the subject came up but one said it would be illegal to date me. He's 34 and I'm 48. I said well of course it would be illegal, I'm married. I really didn't appreciate that he made me feel so old.
Rise Above Your Nature and Stop FeelinAngry, Anxious and Insecure
On the way to the reunion, I told James about this and he said they were just joking around. I told him they never would have been rude if I was gorgeous with a gorgeous body. I know that sounds horrible but there is truth to that. He said no they would just say that I had great boobs or something like that. I laughed! That is one of my weaknesses’, is that I hate how small my boobs are. They are too small for my proportions. I'd have to lose 50 pounds for them to look right. James told me that I'm too hard on myself. He is right! I try to be kind to myself but when I have to visit the past it's difficult.
My daughter is going through adolescence and I don't want her to feel like I did growing up. I constantly compliment her, but not too much cause then it's not authentic. She'll say that she hates when people admire her eyes. I tell her just say Thanks! I'm thinking, "I wish I had gotten compliments at that age". My nose grew before my face and I had horrible acne, which lasted till I was 25. Then I started to get it again when I was 39. I still get it! I joke and say it's not fair to have acne and wrinkles. lol
Speaking of wrinkles one of my friends from Choir, in High School, said everyone thought she looked great and she said it's cause of my natural Botox. I knew what she meant. If you are heavier it fills out the wrinkles. My daughter always tells me that I look younger than 48. She never just flatters people so it makes me feel good. I told her if I lost 50 pounds I'd look better but I'd have more wrinkles. Since weight causes many health risks I know it's something I need to address.
I've gone to Jenny Craig two times, Weight Watchers once and on several detox diets. Every time I'd lose weight I'd gain it back and then some. Now with fibromyalgia it's hard to lose weight and I have bad eating habits. I'm working on making it better, I just love food. My sister is extremely skinny and taller than me. She barely eats anything and is always on the go. I'm a mellow type B personality.
One truth that I hate to share is that I'm losing a lot of hair. It's very thin on top. I bought the stuff from Joan Rivers to see if that would help. I brushed it into the top of my hair near my roots (all over the head) and with my hair pinned back it did look better. Of course I can't see the back of my head. I used to have tons and tons of hair and now it's almost all gone on top. This is a truth that is very hard to accept. If I was doing chemo then I'd know its temporary but this has been going on for over 20 years. I hate wigs because they make me too hot, so I'm praying for a miracle or money to get a transplant. lol
I do try to be kind to myself and remind myself all the good things about me (I'm a loyal friend, have a great sense of humor, try to see the glass half full instead of half empty and I never give up. I have to nap but I keep on going even if it's slower than molasses. I used to be able to walk really fast. Now my daughter and her friends are way ahead of me shopping. I try to catch up but my body can’t move faster.
I have to remind myself that I don't have to be thin, with thick hair and a fast body to be perfect. God loves me as I am. I keep on thinking there is a reason I got ill and I'm going to be used for a bigger purpose. I'm trying to keep the faith.